Alonetime.

So today was a pretty packed day for me. It started off with preparing the game booths for a block party for the night. Then afterwards, I rushed to attend Syarah's brother's wedding afterwards I had to rush down to expo book fair to meet Calven and get me some books. ( the books are 5 for $20 !!!!! ) And lastly, rush back home for the block party. It's really packed. And initially, the meeting Calven at book fair was not part of my schedule but I wanted to go because I really wanted the book and Sunday was the last day to get it. I hate going out on Sundays ok like everywhere is really packed and crowded.

Anyways, after the wedding which was all the way at Khatib / Yishun , I made my way to expo. I dropped a text to Calven who live at the east that I'm making my way there. He didn't reply. It was around 3 plus so I was thinking he was eating so its okay. When I was reaching Bedok, I texted him AGAIN , still , he didn't reply. That's when I panicked. And when I reached expo , he still hasn't reply. So I was kind of upset that he didn't turn up and I had to go alone plus he was suppose to lend me his jacket so I wouldn't freeze to death in expo.

I'm not a person who fancies being alone. As much as I feel that I'm sometimes an introvert or an awkward person , I feel really weird being alone. I prefer being around / with the people I know. For the pass 16 years of my life, I have never had alonetime for myself. If I wanted to , it would be disrupted in a way. But thanks to Calven ( I'm still angry for you ditching me !! ) I managed to experience being alone. I lived all the way at the north side ( or at least Khatib / Yishun are at the north side ) and travelling to the east side ALONE is actually a challenge for me. Thank god that my phone had battery and I can listen to music while making my way there. And part of me thought that Calven was going to be there so I wasn't that afraid yet.

The problem arise when I arrived at expo but Calven hasn't reply me. I kind of started to panic because like I said, I have NEVER travelled to such a far ( to be anywhere out of Ang Mo Kio is far ) ALONE. And expo is really really really cold and I was wearing a sleeveless. Nonetheless, I really wanted the books so I took a deep breath and step into the expo alone. lol *cues dramatic entrance music* First thing I did was to pee. okay this is not important than I made my way to the book fair. There was still a really tiny hope in me that Calven would magically appear. but that loser apprently fell asleep and didn't manage to wake up till I was like on the way home from expo. -_____-

I spent about approximately one hour in the book fair looking for 5 books that really caught my attention. It's really tiring ok. The thing about being alone is that one, no one can help you carry your books or two no one to share an interesting book with you and you have to find them by yourself thirdly no one to share the cost with. ( that actually quite saddening ) ( actually having 5 books for yourself is good . lol . ) But things didn't go as badly as I expected !! ( apart from the fact that the skin on my legs peeled because of my heels and also the coldness in expo can literally freeze me to death ) Nonethless, it was actually quite fun!! I get to choose whatever books I like without people judging my taste for books or snatching / arguing with a friend because you both like / want similar books

When I'm alone, it when I really feel that I'm me. I don't have to put up a brave front and pretend I'm someone I'm not. I don't have to please anyone but myself. I don't need to meet anybody expectation but my own. I don't need to share any plans with anyone. I don't need to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I'm literally just me. Although, I was uncomfortable about being alone ( like there was this instance where I was nervous to the extend that I dropped my books on the floor when I wanted to put it down lightly then I quickly pick it up and looked at my phone ) The reason why I dislike being alone because I feel that it gives people the opportunity to judge me. I feel weaker when I'm alone. I just feel that everybody is staring at me and I feel really small about myself. Maybe just really low self esteem ? I don't know.

Today ( technically yesterday ) , I actually enjoyed my alonetime and I don't mind having more of those when the future nears. Hopefully, when I get more courageous or something... cheers to more alonetime (hopefully) !!! (hopefully I would't do any dumb stuff when I have alone time... ) Whoever reading this, it's not cool to ditch me because you think it's okay for me to ' have my alone time' no. The only reason why I went to expo today because I really want to get the books. But if you freaking ditch me on a meal date or whatnot , I will be really angry !!! and , I get to choose when I want for my alonetime, so DON'T DITCH ME. (  this is for you too Calven. )

really pretty picture taken at the wedding ! 

congrats to the newlyweds ! 

Did a little short catch up with Syarah but it was really short because Syarah had to be with her family. So we didn't manage to finish our conversations nor talk about life and stuff. Hopefully we will meet up soon since O's is over!!!

ok that's all.

bye

C columbus C C columbus

Firstly I apologise for my extreme lack of post ( I had MIA-ed for a month ) because I've been really busy with post O level activities. Like there are so many activities and meet ups lined up and I really didn't have time. And tonight I finally had the time to blog. so yay!!! So glad that the extreme stress for O's is finally over and there are so many activities lined up for me. Like my calendar is really packed. So really 'big' thing about post O level activity is CAMP EXPLORER.

Basically, camp explorer is a camp for unfortunate primary 6 kids for them to know how it is like during the period when they officially becomes secondary 1 kids. Its my third year joining the camp. Every year the camp committee never fails to amaze me with the activities and every year, I experienced different type of kids. However , this year was really different as compared to the last 2 years.....

What I've learnt in this camp is firstly you can't always expect things to stay the same. In this camp , the campers I get were really a tough nut to crack. The kids this year really tried to test my patience. I almost lost it. This camper made me convince him to TRY a sports CCA during CCA orientation and also make me convince him to eat burger. The reasons why he didnt want to do most was because he didn't like it. ( I thought kids like burger !!! ) There was a huge difference between the kids in the past 2 years and the kids this year. I'm actually quite upset about it even though there's no one to blame for this.

The second thing I learnt about this camp is patience is virtue. It's really important to be patient especially towards kids because they are generally more sensitive and needs more attention. I really thought my tolerance level was high  especially with 2 years of experience. I WAS WRONG. I WAS TOTALLY WRONG. There were many instances in this year's camp where I nearly lost my temper. It's actually not funny to convince someone to try something for half an hour neither it is funny to force someone to eat a burger. Nevertheless, I managed to brave through this and not lose my temper. This is really a huge challenge.

However, this very important lesson got me to think whether or not am I capable to work with children when the future nears, whether I should take up early childhood education as a polytechnic course. Then the self-doubting comes. I really thought my tolerance level was quite high especially towards kids. But this kid really pushed me to my limits. On the last day, I was really really exhausted because I was up the whole night writing appreciation notes for my group and the facils and the next day , he tried to test my patience again. He didn't want to eat his burger. I convinced him for a while , helped him cut his burger into half so he could finish that portion and he still didn't want to. Lim Ying even tried to convince him but failed. In the end , I snapped and closed the packet and walked off.

After this , I was actually quite disappointed with myself for snapping. And the only reason was because I start to ask myself " Am I really up for the challenge ? " " what if one day , I snap at a kid while I'm at work " And all the self- doubting questions comes in. The series of events that happened for the 3 days and 2 nights really got me thinking. A huge part of me really desperate wants me to go for it because for the kids I will eventually calm down or learn to control my temper better but then a tiny part of me screams " no Maytinee, its the the thing for you ! " Sighhh.

Anyway enough of the negative talk. There are also really positive things that happened in the camp. For example this really cute boy named Brandon literally make my 3 days really good and because of him, I actually remained calm. He is a really cheerful boy, really jumpy and hyper active. The thing about him is he gets tired and then he starts to rebel but whenever any of the facils or group leader is angry, he immediately apologise and will just pull your arm and say sorry lah in that very cute eyes. And then we forgive him and then he does it again and the cycle continues. At least he does not repeats it. Aish he;s just really cute. And then there this another guy, he hardly talks in the first few days then on bbq night, he still didn't talk but he helped me in BBQ-ing and clearing the food. He also opened up a little to me but not soooo much. A little is still something right??? And there's also a few boys who played zha with me. lol. Literally relieved my childhood memories. ( Even tho I lost terribly. ) Nonetheless, the positive things has a higher weightage than the negative things. (hopefully)

Here are some pictures !!

while waiting for fooooood 

3rd years in camp explorer with my favsssssss

 

cool fact about us : All of us here are GLs except Hairil bc he wants to be part of the log team 

And this is Farisha. She was a facil last year in the same clan as me. She didn't join the camp this year because she had school. But super glad she came!! Really missed her and the whole of my clan last year. It was so different....

They are really really really cute even tho they are not from my clan, they kept asking Si Ying where was I

C columbus C C columbus 

And all the irrelevant pictures...

really thankful for her !!!! 

super happy that I can work with you again, this time, with you as a group leader with me !!! yay more camp exploerers together !!

thankful for you too!! luckily you are transferred to the GLs, hope to see youu next year as a GL again. HAHAH

super super super super thankful times 1000000 for her to be in the same clan as her !!! like really because no words can express how thankful I'm for her. She was there for me when I was really sensitive and insecure about myself, there for me to hear me rant about the same o shit again and again and like I don't know how she can tolerate me. Not only that, stayed up all night with me even tho she had work the next day. I just don't know how to survive in this camp without you. I love you so so so so much bby!!! 

more irrelevant pictures.....

3rd year!!!!! 

mfps junior!!!! 

see what I mean by he's really cute??

He hugs everybody really tightly after camp

little rebel

typical I see you sleeping swag shot 

we didn't sleep at aaaalllll 

and yes , he literally helped and followed me to do everything during the bbq night

bbq 

I  guess that's all for camp explorer? I hope the kids did well for their PSLE. Okay the results are out today. Some weren't up to standard and was really upset. It's actually really heartbreaking to hear them being really upset and depressed. I hope things are going fine for all the kids now ( including my kiddos from the pass 2 year. ) & hopefully , I will find my confidence back in taking up early childhood education.....

I'm so sorry I took so long to blog , but since it's the holidays, I will try to blog more !!!!!