Passion ?

Honestly , I've always been someone who love baking. It started off in 2011 when Shanice asked me over to her house to bake cornflake cookies. And I swear , I have zero knowledge in baking at that point of time and I was literally making a mess in her kitchen. And all I did was watch her bake and then sprinkle the sprinkles and crushing the cornflakes. ( tat least I did something okay ) Then afterwards I went home and asked my mum if we can get a cake mixer. and surprising there's already one at home but no one used it. It's passed down from my paternal grandmother. Apart from the fact that its a hand mixer ( so it will tire the shit out of your hands ) , the mixer is still workable. & my mum decided to buy an oven since I begged her to and our house kind of needed one.  Basically that's how I started baking and then I found my passion for baking.

I'm a really impatient kid. And baking taught me a lot. You have to mix everything properly so you will get the correct consistency and I swear using a hand mixer is a killer. You have to wait for the cakes or cupcakes or cookies to bake. When I started off baking ( without the help of Shanice ) , it was such an embarrassment. My cookies turned out bitter and there were egg shells in it ( oops ). I followed the recipe given by Shanice but with zero patience. I just wanted to taste the end product. I didn't wait for my butter to melt at room temperature or mix the cookie mixture properly mainly because I was feeling lazy. After awhile , I got the hang of it. I learnt how to be patient. I stopped baking cookies and started to make cupcakes. I think I would prefer making cupcakes over cookies any day. I baked red velvet, rainbow and banana cupcakes and my family loves it. ( yes my family is actually supportive of me baking , SOMETIMES. )

Then this year, I stopped. More and more people started to bake too. And pardon me , I'm somebody who hates losing out. So if I feel that there's a competition, I will kind of try to escape from it. For example I bake cupcakes/cookies and person B does the same, I'm afraid that people will say person B bakes better cupcakes/cookies then I'm. And worse comes to worse, everybody eats person B's cupcakes/cookies and I'm left with my own to finish. I'm sorry I'm that selfish ( immature ) person who feels that way. I just get so jealous and paranoid easily.  ( I really can't help it ) I'm personally a sweet tooth and my level of sweetness for food is pretty high. I really like eating cakes/cupcakes/cookies that are to a certain sweetness. So whenever I bake, I will twitch it to my level of sweetness. ( but most of the time I will follow the recipes ). People who do not like my level of sweetness will criticise it and stuff. Yes, I know that I should accept critics and stuff but the thing is ALMOST everyone who tries my baking will claim that it's too sweet. Which means more people will eat person B's food right........

Another reason is my parents are supportive of me baking but the baking ingredients and equipments cost money. Like I wanted requested to my mum to get me a new cake mixer as my birthday gift this year but my mum done so much for me so I don't want to be an ungrateful child and ask for more. Baking ingredients are expensive too. Especially butter and cream cheese. And then everything adds up to about $15 for just the butter and cream cheese. I know for rich kids $15 may not sound like a big deal to you but it does sounds like a big deal to my family. Most of the timem when I bake, I either have too less ingredients and have to use substitutes OR I don't have the right equipment to bake. And then the end product wouldn't be that nice , I guess....

Thats why I stopped baking. Whenever I bake something not up to my standards or expectation, the urge to dump that rubbish is really high but I hate dumping food. So I will force myself to finish it. I'm actually really thankful that no matter how horrible the food I bake, my brothers will be supportive and will finish it and then will tell me " Jie, your baking skills getting better, got anymore for me to eat? " And they give me really constructive feedbacks. People might say " eh too sweet " and don't feel like eating it and my brother will say " Jie, actually its too hard , but still can eat la" or something like that , mainly they will sugar coat their critics butI kind of get it and will try to improve it. Which actually motivates me to continue baking. Whenever I bake , the fresh and first batch will always be saved for them. After awhile , I stopped saving first batch for them ( only the first piece or second )  because lack of ingredients to make extras for them.

Actually , the main reason why I stopped baking is because of the competition. I know I shouldn't be afraid of competition but I really can't help it. I hate it. I hate seeing how my food is the one being the leftovers. To be honest, it is actually very hurtful. So whenever someone says " I'm going to bake for yall " Then I will be like okay, I should back off. or I always felt like I can never win anybody in baking ( or anything ever ) . And right now, I really really miss baking. Every time I scroll through the explore in instagram and see cupcakes and cookies , it will tempt me.

everytime I touch the mixer, 

thoughts start going through my mind. 

" Am I up for it? "

" Will I bake up to MY standards ? "

" Will people like it? " 

" Will it turn out something inedible? "

" Do I have the patience? " 

" Will people finish it? " 

then I will put it down 

and say 

maybe next time. 

Maybe one day when I grow up or when I save enough money to buy a new mixer or buy proper ingredients OR when the people around me stops baking ( sorry I'm actually that selfish ) then maybe maybe , I will restart baking again.

as for now, study hard for o's. 

(sorry to whoever who tasted my horrible baking.) 

Cherish what you have.

So life has been hectic as usual. ( side note , been two months since I last blogged ) Been wanting to blog about this for so long. And have been wanting to blog for so long. But I never had the time. Basically, my life revolves around studying , sleeping , eating and a little of gym and more studying. And most of the time when I turn on my mac , I will either be on youtube watching videos or leaving it there to listen to music. And I'm really too lazy to blog. I'm so sorry for not updating lol. Like anybody even reads. But one day if I get famous, JK .

Basically what I want to blog about today is how each and everybody is extremely important. I remembered when my teacher used to say " If you are friends with everyone , you are friends with no one. " Fuck that shit. If you are my friend you respect my decision. You don't bitch about me just because I'm doing something I feel that is morally right. I be friends with whoever I want and if you want to be my friend , you stop being like an immature kid and respect my decision and not tell me who to be friends with.

I grew up not having the feeling of losing somebody deeply (?). Before I was born, my paternal grandparents are dead. My maternal grandmother in Thailand died when I was about 12. Whenever I visited her in Thailand , I never communicated with her. She was either sleeping or in her room. Speaking about it, I'm kind of sad I didn't spend enough time with her before she left. So I grew up not having the feeling of people really leaving by my side. I don't cherish the chances given to me. I will always think " there will be some other day I will have my chance once again" That's why I hardly give in my fullest in everything. When I didn't get into the prefectorial board the first time , I told myself, there will be a second chance. I got it. Interview for deputy head , I didn't get in , I tell myself, it's okay there's still HLC and I got it. Lastly , orientation head , something I desperately want , I failed to get it. Nevertheless, whatever I do , I always tell myself , there's always a second chance. And towards people , I tell myself , soon after we will be okay and everything will go back to normal. Or I will refuse to put my ego down and continue holding that grudge.

 However , I learnt that you don't always successfully get the chances you want in the end. Afterall, you don't always get what you want right. I have this friend of mine. He is a great friend. During chinese O's he was assigned to be my buddy, to teach me chinese and stuff. He is patient while teaching me and ensure that I learn something and not doze off during chinese lessons. When it's closer to O's he realised that I can actually study myself plus I have chinese tuition so he decided to help others. I was actually quite okay with it. After chinese O's he helped me checked my paper to see if  made any mistakes. The night before chinese os he dropped a text to apologise on how he didnt spend enough time and sorry for being a lousy buddy and all that shit. Honestly , as a buddy he has done quite a lot. And the result I attain , he definitely has a part to play. Whenever I'm upset in class , he will come and talk to me and cheer me up. Although we are not close to the extend but he's someone I will definitely feel free to express my thoughts to.

Sounds like a great friend doesn't he? On prelims paper he didn't come to school ( and the days before prelims) , people say he is sick and stuff. I didn't think much of it honestly. A fever or cough , totally normal and shit. I wanted to drop him a text but I'm really too busy and it slips off my mind. One fine day, my teacher told us he's not coming to school anymore and it was some kind of family problem. I was shocked because I honestly thought it was some ordinary day when he didn't come to school cause unwell and mc and shit. That night , I dropped a text to one of my close friends and asked her if I should drop him a text , my close friend asked me not to because he felt that everyone was playing an act. Honestly , I don't blame him for thinking that way. The thing is that it breaks me knowing I'm never going to ever see him in class ever again because he's flying back to China. After one of the days , we had lunch and he decided to come over. He's still that positive ball of energy. But he seems weak and kept saying stuff about pills and stuff. I daren't ask him whats up but the thing now is that he's going back.

He went back on the Sunday. I didn't send him off because he has his other friends to do it. And I didn't feel I was close enough. On of those nights , I cried my heart out. I know its sounds dramatic and unrealistic and shit but I did. The thought of not being about to see him is actually dam saddening. The day before he flew, he texted me apologising once again. Apologising how he didnt help me attain the marks I wanted , apologising for being a lousy friend, apologising about every thing. I broke down once again. I never knew how it feels to have someone to leave me. And this is how it feels like. I know he is coming back to join the class for prom , but the thought of turning behind and not seeing him in school is just......

I don't know how to continue the this anymore, but really it makes me tear up typing this shit. Everything is from the bottom of my heart. I guess , I'm going to end to post soon . Cherish whoever you have and whatever chances you have.

if you ever see this, 

how are you doing right now? 

i miss you. 

hope you are doing fine.

afterall , 

you only live once.

xx.