Alonetime.

So today was a pretty packed day for me. It started off with preparing the game booths for a block party for the night. Then afterwards, I rushed to attend Syarah's brother's wedding afterwards I had to rush down to expo book fair to meet Calven and get me some books. ( the books are 5 for $20 !!!!! ) And lastly, rush back home for the block party. It's really packed. And initially, the meeting Calven at book fair was not part of my schedule but I wanted to go because I really wanted the book and Sunday was the last day to get it. I hate going out on Sundays ok like everywhere is really packed and crowded.

Anyways, after the wedding which was all the way at Khatib / Yishun , I made my way to expo. I dropped a text to Calven who live at the east that I'm making my way there. He didn't reply. It was around 3 plus so I was thinking he was eating so its okay. When I was reaching Bedok, I texted him AGAIN , still , he didn't reply. That's when I panicked. And when I reached expo , he still hasn't reply. So I was kind of upset that he didn't turn up and I had to go alone plus he was suppose to lend me his jacket so I wouldn't freeze to death in expo.

I'm not a person who fancies being alone. As much as I feel that I'm sometimes an introvert or an awkward person , I feel really weird being alone. I prefer being around / with the people I know. For the pass 16 years of my life, I have never had alonetime for myself. If I wanted to , it would be disrupted in a way. But thanks to Calven ( I'm still angry for you ditching me !! ) I managed to experience being alone. I lived all the way at the north side ( or at least Khatib / Yishun are at the north side ) and travelling to the east side ALONE is actually a challenge for me. Thank god that my phone had battery and I can listen to music while making my way there. And part of me thought that Calven was going to be there so I wasn't that afraid yet.

The problem arise when I arrived at expo but Calven hasn't reply me. I kind of started to panic because like I said, I have NEVER travelled to such a far ( to be anywhere out of Ang Mo Kio is far ) ALONE. And expo is really really really cold and I was wearing a sleeveless. Nonetheless, I really wanted the books so I took a deep breath and step into the expo alone. lol *cues dramatic entrance music* First thing I did was to pee. okay this is not important than I made my way to the book fair. There was still a really tiny hope in me that Calven would magically appear. but that loser apprently fell asleep and didn't manage to wake up till I was like on the way home from expo. -_____-

I spent about approximately one hour in the book fair looking for 5 books that really caught my attention. It's really tiring ok. The thing about being alone is that one, no one can help you carry your books or two no one to share an interesting book with you and you have to find them by yourself thirdly no one to share the cost with. ( that actually quite saddening ) ( actually having 5 books for yourself is good . lol . ) But things didn't go as badly as I expected !! ( apart from the fact that the skin on my legs peeled because of my heels and also the coldness in expo can literally freeze me to death ) Nonethless, it was actually quite fun!! I get to choose whatever books I like without people judging my taste for books or snatching / arguing with a friend because you both like / want similar books

When I'm alone, it when I really feel that I'm me. I don't have to put up a brave front and pretend I'm someone I'm not. I don't have to please anyone but myself. I don't need to meet anybody expectation but my own. I don't need to share any plans with anyone. I don't need to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I'm literally just me. Although, I was uncomfortable about being alone ( like there was this instance where I was nervous to the extend that I dropped my books on the floor when I wanted to put it down lightly then I quickly pick it up and looked at my phone ) The reason why I dislike being alone because I feel that it gives people the opportunity to judge me. I feel weaker when I'm alone. I just feel that everybody is staring at me and I feel really small about myself. Maybe just really low self esteem ? I don't know.

Today ( technically yesterday ) , I actually enjoyed my alonetime and I don't mind having more of those when the future nears. Hopefully, when I get more courageous or something... cheers to more alonetime (hopefully) !!! (hopefully I would't do any dumb stuff when I have alone time... ) Whoever reading this, it's not cool to ditch me because you think it's okay for me to ' have my alone time' no. The only reason why I went to expo today because I really want to get the books. But if you freaking ditch me on a meal date or whatnot , I will be really angry !!! and , I get to choose when I want for my alonetime, so DON'T DITCH ME. (  this is for you too Calven. )

really pretty picture taken at the wedding ! 

congrats to the newlyweds ! 

Did a little short catch up with Syarah but it was really short because Syarah had to be with her family. So we didn't manage to finish our conversations nor talk about life and stuff. Hopefully we will meet up soon since O's is over!!!

ok that's all.

bye