Passion ?

Honestly , I've always been someone who love baking. It started off in 2011 when Shanice asked me over to her house to bake cornflake cookies. And I swear , I have zero knowledge in baking at that point of time and I was literally making a mess in her kitchen. And all I did was watch her bake and then sprinkle the sprinkles and crushing the cornflakes. ( tat least I did something okay ) Then afterwards I went home and asked my mum if we can get a cake mixer. and surprising there's already one at home but no one used it. It's passed down from my paternal grandmother. Apart from the fact that its a hand mixer ( so it will tire the shit out of your hands ) , the mixer is still workable. & my mum decided to buy an oven since I begged her to and our house kind of needed one.  Basically that's how I started baking and then I found my passion for baking.

I'm a really impatient kid. And baking taught me a lot. You have to mix everything properly so you will get the correct consistency and I swear using a hand mixer is a killer. You have to wait for the cakes or cupcakes or cookies to bake. When I started off baking ( without the help of Shanice ) , it was such an embarrassment. My cookies turned out bitter and there were egg shells in it ( oops ). I followed the recipe given by Shanice but with zero patience. I just wanted to taste the end product. I didn't wait for my butter to melt at room temperature or mix the cookie mixture properly mainly because I was feeling lazy. After awhile , I got the hang of it. I learnt how to be patient. I stopped baking cookies and started to make cupcakes. I think I would prefer making cupcakes over cookies any day. I baked red velvet, rainbow and banana cupcakes and my family loves it. ( yes my family is actually supportive of me baking , SOMETIMES. )

Then this year, I stopped. More and more people started to bake too. And pardon me , I'm somebody who hates losing out. So if I feel that there's a competition, I will kind of try to escape from it. For example I bake cupcakes/cookies and person B does the same, I'm afraid that people will say person B bakes better cupcakes/cookies then I'm. And worse comes to worse, everybody eats person B's cupcakes/cookies and I'm left with my own to finish. I'm sorry I'm that selfish ( immature ) person who feels that way. I just get so jealous and paranoid easily.  ( I really can't help it ) I'm personally a sweet tooth and my level of sweetness for food is pretty high. I really like eating cakes/cupcakes/cookies that are to a certain sweetness. So whenever I bake, I will twitch it to my level of sweetness. ( but most of the time I will follow the recipes ). People who do not like my level of sweetness will criticise it and stuff. Yes, I know that I should accept critics and stuff but the thing is ALMOST everyone who tries my baking will claim that it's too sweet. Which means more people will eat person B's food right........

Another reason is my parents are supportive of me baking but the baking ingredients and equipments cost money. Like I wanted requested to my mum to get me a new cake mixer as my birthday gift this year but my mum done so much for me so I don't want to be an ungrateful child and ask for more. Baking ingredients are expensive too. Especially butter and cream cheese. And then everything adds up to about $15 for just the butter and cream cheese. I know for rich kids $15 may not sound like a big deal to you but it does sounds like a big deal to my family. Most of the timem when I bake, I either have too less ingredients and have to use substitutes OR I don't have the right equipment to bake. And then the end product wouldn't be that nice , I guess....

Thats why I stopped baking. Whenever I bake something not up to my standards or expectation, the urge to dump that rubbish is really high but I hate dumping food. So I will force myself to finish it. I'm actually really thankful that no matter how horrible the food I bake, my brothers will be supportive and will finish it and then will tell me " Jie, your baking skills getting better, got anymore for me to eat? " And they give me really constructive feedbacks. People might say " eh too sweet " and don't feel like eating it and my brother will say " Jie, actually its too hard , but still can eat la" or something like that , mainly they will sugar coat their critics butI kind of get it and will try to improve it. Which actually motivates me to continue baking. Whenever I bake , the fresh and first batch will always be saved for them. After awhile , I stopped saving first batch for them ( only the first piece or second )  because lack of ingredients to make extras for them.

Actually , the main reason why I stopped baking is because of the competition. I know I shouldn't be afraid of competition but I really can't help it. I hate it. I hate seeing how my food is the one being the leftovers. To be honest, it is actually very hurtful. So whenever someone says " I'm going to bake for yall " Then I will be like okay, I should back off. or I always felt like I can never win anybody in baking ( or anything ever ) . And right now, I really really miss baking. Every time I scroll through the explore in instagram and see cupcakes and cookies , it will tempt me.

everytime I touch the mixer, 

thoughts start going through my mind. 

" Am I up for it? "

" Will I bake up to MY standards ? "

" Will people like it? " 

" Will it turn out something inedible? "

" Do I have the patience? " 

" Will people finish it? " 

then I will put it down 

and say 

maybe next time. 

Maybe one day when I grow up or when I save enough money to buy a new mixer or buy proper ingredients OR when the people around me stops baking ( sorry I'm actually that selfish ) then maybe maybe , I will restart baking again.

as for now, study hard for o's. 

(sorry to whoever who tasted my horrible baking.)