Cherish what you have.

So life has been hectic as usual. ( side note , been two months since I last blogged ) Been wanting to blog about this for so long. And have been wanting to blog for so long. But I never had the time. Basically, my life revolves around studying , sleeping , eating and a little of gym and more studying. And most of the time when I turn on my mac , I will either be on youtube watching videos or leaving it there to listen to music. And I'm really too lazy to blog. I'm so sorry for not updating lol. Like anybody even reads. But one day if I get famous, JK .

Basically what I want to blog about today is how each and everybody is extremely important. I remembered when my teacher used to say " If you are friends with everyone , you are friends with no one. " Fuck that shit. If you are my friend you respect my decision. You don't bitch about me just because I'm doing something I feel that is morally right. I be friends with whoever I want and if you want to be my friend , you stop being like an immature kid and respect my decision and not tell me who to be friends with.

I grew up not having the feeling of losing somebody deeply (?). Before I was born, my paternal grandparents are dead. My maternal grandmother in Thailand died when I was about 12. Whenever I visited her in Thailand , I never communicated with her. She was either sleeping or in her room. Speaking about it, I'm kind of sad I didn't spend enough time with her before she left. So I grew up not having the feeling of people really leaving by my side. I don't cherish the chances given to me. I will always think " there will be some other day I will have my chance once again" That's why I hardly give in my fullest in everything. When I didn't get into the prefectorial board the first time , I told myself, there will be a second chance. I got it. Interview for deputy head , I didn't get in , I tell myself, it's okay there's still HLC and I got it. Lastly , orientation head , something I desperately want , I failed to get it. Nevertheless, whatever I do , I always tell myself , there's always a second chance. And towards people , I tell myself , soon after we will be okay and everything will go back to normal. Or I will refuse to put my ego down and continue holding that grudge.

 However , I learnt that you don't always successfully get the chances you want in the end. Afterall, you don't always get what you want right. I have this friend of mine. He is a great friend. During chinese O's he was assigned to be my buddy, to teach me chinese and stuff. He is patient while teaching me and ensure that I learn something and not doze off during chinese lessons. When it's closer to O's he realised that I can actually study myself plus I have chinese tuition so he decided to help others. I was actually quite okay with it. After chinese O's he helped me checked my paper to see if  made any mistakes. The night before chinese os he dropped a text to apologise on how he didnt spend enough time and sorry for being a lousy buddy and all that shit. Honestly , as a buddy he has done quite a lot. And the result I attain , he definitely has a part to play. Whenever I'm upset in class , he will come and talk to me and cheer me up. Although we are not close to the extend but he's someone I will definitely feel free to express my thoughts to.

Sounds like a great friend doesn't he? On prelims paper he didn't come to school ( and the days before prelims) , people say he is sick and stuff. I didn't think much of it honestly. A fever or cough , totally normal and shit. I wanted to drop him a text but I'm really too busy and it slips off my mind. One fine day, my teacher told us he's not coming to school anymore and it was some kind of family problem. I was shocked because I honestly thought it was some ordinary day when he didn't come to school cause unwell and mc and shit. That night , I dropped a text to one of my close friends and asked her if I should drop him a text , my close friend asked me not to because he felt that everyone was playing an act. Honestly , I don't blame him for thinking that way. The thing is that it breaks me knowing I'm never going to ever see him in class ever again because he's flying back to China. After one of the days , we had lunch and he decided to come over. He's still that positive ball of energy. But he seems weak and kept saying stuff about pills and stuff. I daren't ask him whats up but the thing now is that he's going back.

He went back on the Sunday. I didn't send him off because he has his other friends to do it. And I didn't feel I was close enough. On of those nights , I cried my heart out. I know its sounds dramatic and unrealistic and shit but I did. The thought of not being about to see him is actually dam saddening. The day before he flew, he texted me apologising once again. Apologising how he didnt help me attain the marks I wanted , apologising for being a lousy friend, apologising about every thing. I broke down once again. I never knew how it feels to have someone to leave me. And this is how it feels like. I know he is coming back to join the class for prom , but the thought of turning behind and not seeing him in school is just......

I don't know how to continue the this anymore, but really it makes me tear up typing this shit. Everything is from the bottom of my heart. I guess , I'm going to end to post soon . Cherish whoever you have and whatever chances you have.

if you ever see this, 

how are you doing right now? 

i miss you. 

hope you are doing fine.

afterall , 

you only live once.

xx.