It took me a lot of courage to post this up. And it contains a lot of stuff that you may not expect me to be and so much emotions and feelings. It's incomplete because there are some stuff that are really too personal. Don't bash me or hate me or what not after reading... read at your own risk....
expectation
ɛkspɛkˈteɪʃ(ə)n/
noun
- 1.a strong belief that something will happen or be the case."reality had not lived up to expectations"
synonyms: supposition, assumption, belief, presupposition,
presumption,conjecture, surmise, reckoning, calculation,
prediction, forecast,projection; More
- 2.MATHEMATICSanother term for expected value.
Lately, I realised that I set really high expectations not only to myself but to the people around me too. This actually had been going on for 16 years and I only realised this recently ( or at least at this point of time )
Firstly, setting a high expectation to myself. It will never be enough for me. I will always always be hungry for something. I will always want more. I will always demand for more. It will NEVER be enough. And of course if things screw up for me , I will whine and cry about it and then hope that it will go the way I expect it to be when I know that it will never be that way and nothing is going to change the fact. And then I will whine about it and NOT move on until something is able to cover up what I did. Take the most recent incident as an example. It was during work. I was really nervous, a customer asked for cream puffs. I accidentally dropped a cream puff and its's still at the air con filter ( the air-con filter is clean btw ) I wanted to pick it up and put it in the box but the customer saw it and asked " you dropped it and you are giving me that ? " And then I panicked. Part of it is my fault for dropping it but then I really didn't know. I never tried taking cream puffs when I was working before futhermore it was only my second day at work. It affected me for the whole day. I went home and cried about it ( omg I'm such a cry baby ) and then I whined to Bryan about it till the next day because I was really upset with myself, I was afraid that people wouldn't trust me with the cream puffs anymore.. Turns out , I got another shot today but I didn't drop any cream puffs.... Okay this is an example when things are covered up and I'm feeling okay. But there are defiantly things that up till now is not covered up and I don't think I'm comfortable sharing it to those who reads my blog as for those who knows me personally well, you defiantly know some of the things that up till now and it is till bugging me up till now.
Having high expectations for myself is actually torturing. You want the best. You have to be the best. All or none. I not always like that. But when I really want something, I want it. People who knows me , tells me I'm stubborn. I hate it when people say that I'm stubborn but it's actually the cold, hard truth and I accept that but being stubborn may not necessary be a good thing. Like everything had ended and I'm still pushing myself which will eventually lead me to nowhere extreme waste of effort and time. And NOTHING will be enough to SATISFY me.
Next, setting a high expectation to the people around me. Most of the time, I set high expectations on myself, very little on the people around me. Well, I used to. And people hate me. Although it reduces and its very little, its only on the surface. Like I may say it's okay but actually it matters a lot it matters so much to me. I wish I can just pour out everything to one person. But it's hard. To be honest, I feel that I have really great friends around me , showering me with so much love and care, but don't know. A couple of times, people ask me "What do you REALLY want? " What do I really want? Honestly speaking, what I really want is everybody to be happy and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make everyone happy. Okay this is a little off topic but because me wanting to make everybody happy, I will expect everybody to think a like to my point of view. I want people to be happy with everyone. But not everyone can. Not everybody can like everyone. Not everybody can tolerate each other. Not everybody can stop holding grudging because who knows, the grudge may be really big ?
Having these ' I want everyone to be happy ' thinking led me to be in so many cliques and it makes me really dizzy. And it ends up with me not prioritising the people that is most important to me, which are the one that cherishes me. ( but I know family over anything ) And I set expectations on different cliques. And when it doesn't meet my expectation, I will just go MIA on them. Or I will do anything it takes so that they will have the same point of view as me. But nobody thinks similarly. ( honestly everybody has their own freedom ) Which I think it's something I should stop doing. But then I can't help it. And it makes me sound like a control freak. Which I do not want to be. I want the people around me to have the same point of view as me, I know that's basically really selfish.
Because of all these expectations on the people around me, like I said, it made me got my prioritise wrong. Maybe the people whom I thought really cared, actually never bothered. Maybe the people who actually really cared got tired of waiting. Maybe I cared for nothing. Maybe people are just tired of the expectation set and decides to leave.
I just want people to stop leaving
the people in my past to come back to me
Maybe one day, I can't do this anymore.
As for now,
I will still try to satisfy everyone.
But a tiny bit of me
wishes the people that I cherish right now
think its enough
and is being understanding.
Because I love them truckloads
and do not ever
ever
want to lose them.
And I wil do anything,
if it means sacrificing
I will.
& hopefully one day,
I will learn to
love myself
a little more.
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